So what happened?

A week after I moved onto residence in my senior year of undergrad, I came out to my parents. At this point, I have been playing volleyball with VGVA for just under a year. My mom, seemingly out of the blues, asked if the guys in the league are gay. I was going to lie, as I had to about my sexuality many times before. However, I decided to tell the truth, and said yes, knowing full well what the follow up question would be. My mom's face instantly sours; she asked the original question in joke, and the response got her into a dark place.

"Are you gay?"

"... yes"

She left the room. Minutes later I was summoned to the living room, facing both of my parents. They started with denial, and moved quickly into anger. Dad even briefly blamed himself for not being around enough. He said he wish I spoke up when this just started so he can steer me in the right path, since everyone has "brotherly feelings" growing up. Most of the rest of the story is not unusual; pretty much ever disapproving parent have said the same things. "What about kids?" "It's just a phase" "Why would you choose such a hard path for yourself?"

I want kids, knowing my career path I definitely won't have as many as I would like, in that even one seems financially challenging. Is it just a phase? I've now known about myself for more than half my life. I don't think at that point it can be considered just a phase. Thinking about it, recently, the only other thing I have done at that scale was being a Canadian, and a musician. I've been a Canadian for about half my life, and living in Canada for about 2/3rds of it. I won't stop being a Canadian any time soon. Two years ago was when I have played the clarinet for over half my life. Last year that was no longer true. It is unlikely that I'll pick up the clarinet again, but music will always flow in and out of my life. Music will never be just a phase for me, neither will being gay. Denial? that was a phase. Wishing I wasn't? that was a phase. Loathing and anger? that was a long phase. But now, it's over half of my life, and that number will only continue to increase.

The last point hit a little closer though. Why did I choose such a hard path for myself? Obviously it's not a choice. However, I get that comment a lot; "Why would you choose such a hard path for yourself?" I don't think that's the case. I don't choose to pick the path that's more difficult. I pick whichever path I think was best at my state of mind at the time. I could've said no to my mom with either questions. It would've been an easier way out. I might still be in Vancouver for school if I said no. I'd still talk to my parents more if I said no.

I don't think I physically could have said no though. A few months before that, I had bouts of insomnia. One day I felt a crushing feeling in my chest and I can't sleep. All I wanted to do was tell my mom. I always thought she knew or that she'd understand, and wouldn't care. That probably hit me the hardest. Looking back at it now, she probably knew a little bit - she wouldn't have asked the questions if she didn't know.

Now I will just need to wait. Either for closure and finality, or for acceptance. Either way, it will be years before anything is resolved.