Lab 4

I have been a lab TA for 4 terms before this, with about 250 unique students passing through my labs. My core values have always been 1- get them out of the lab as quickly as I can while allowing them to efficiently complete the lab, 2- try to get them to learn as much as possible, even if it's at the expense of likability. 

The first one is usually well received, especially from the engineering students, whereas the latter is generally hated, as it usually correspond to them getting low marks at the beginning. This week, I will go against my first core value, but hopefully resulting in enhancing my second core value. 

My students will be doing the "Chemical Reactions" lab this week, where they will mix a series of solutions/elements with each other and observe. This is pretty much how I thought about Chemistry as a young student, and the thought drifts in and out as I became a more mature student. I want to give the students enough time to enjoy and be awed with how the similar reactions will result in varying results that could be observed. 

I will also not be telling them to start at different points of the procedure. This will create bottlenecks as everyone will be needing the same two reagents at any given time. The time lost to waiting for reagents will hopefully be made up by no one using the wrong combinations, as well as provide them a little bit more freedom to enjoy the experiment. This will likely also encourage the mindless mixing of chemicals. 

I hope I do not come to regret treating it this way. 

Stop. Feel. Moving on.

It's scary. Stopping what you're doing, like really really hit pause on the rest of your life. Close your eyes and drown everything on the outside out. Then be receptive of what's on the inside. Really open up to your own feelings. They're shapeless thoughts, but they wash over you with so much strength. I was expecting to have to conjure things, or to steer thoughts in a certain direction, but no. They are like the ocean smashing against my cliff wall. Nothing sharp about them, very vague and ominous, and they just repeat and repeat. I should really do this more often, as I think it might help to feel all the things, instead of just letting it steep.

Trying

I don't have game. I even have difficulty pursuing people. All of my "relationships" thus far have consisted with people approaching and pursuing me. This was easier earlier when I was young and looked young. Now I'm young but slightly older, but look old.

I am returning to the early time of blogging; use it as a personal diary, never expecting anyone I actually know or talk about to see it. Previously I used to enjoy having others be able to read it. I've actually just reconnected with ZW, who I used to talk to in those bygone days. I am returning to this because I want to talk about me trying to meet new guys. I am unable to talk about it with my old friends, and it is way too close to my new friends to tell them.

I've tried the gay volleyball league, both in Vancouver and Montreal. It helped in terms of meeting gay guys. It is very scarce in terms of making gay friends, and even worse in terms of meeting guys.

And as of late, I am so desperate I am not picking up cues well. Not that that was something I was good at, but I seems to be worse at it now.

First there's MB. He's an introvert, but I tried pushing like he's an extravert. At one point he was complaining about a creepy old guy, and I realized that I start pushing like one.

It was then followed by DP. There wasn't even any sign of attraction. I just wanted to so bad that I was being quite a dick. It might've even been quite possible that he is still with his boyfriend long-d.

Then there is BP. He seems to be saying all the right things to play with my heart. There are the "I really like you" and "you remind me of my friend from back home" and "are you single?". Of the guys on this list, this one also might be straight. This comes from a google search (not on Facebook), and finding a teenage girl's blog (see second paragraph) professing how much she adores her cute bf (of no more than a month), who happens to have the same name as BP. It was the same city and around the right time, as well as BP is a rare name, with the only google hits seeming like it's him.

I'm confused about how best to approach the situation. If I try to approach someone I end up a babbling fool that's an awful person, but I'm also not getting enough people to approach me. Maybe it's time to just give up.

and then?

So the conversation happened on a Saturday. We got into it again on Sunday, and it ended with them saying "we don't want to bring it up again for now". The explanation was so I can focus on my school. Looking at it, I look at it as a positive and a negative. It's bad because it really meant we didn't have any open line of communication, which meant they can deny it, and I can kind of bury it. The positive, I think I had a slightly more consistent mood, as I didn't have random blow ups in the middle of midterms or assignments. 

My friends were a great help. I was able to crash at one of their apartment so I didn't have to be alone, and morning after I was able to Skype with another in order to deal with it. This really metaphorically stopped the bleeding from the trauma. Their support really prevented anything seriously damaging from happening. 

It was a very difficult year. Just academically, it was one of the most challenging, with thesis, a heavy biochemistry course load (which I've never done well), and a big core course focus (It's the first time I didn't have any sort of elective to offset the core courses). This also was the first time where most of the people I study with are already graduated, and I really didn't have any academic support system at that point. 

For most of the early part of it, I either felt awful, or I didn't feel anything. It really was the first time I understood what people meant when they talk about depression. It's usually described as not about feeling sad, but about not feeling anything. I never went to get diagnosed, so I'm still hesitant to say it, but I was most likely depressed for a period. That was probably a stupid decision to deal with it my way instead of trying to seek professional help. But I did, got through most of it. 

My parents and I never returned to the conversation. This is probably something that'll come, but not in the close foreseeable future. Although before I left Vancouver, I had to deal with my nephew crying so much that he puked. I was very upset, and at one point my mom asked "if you can't even deal with your own blood and flesh, how're you going to be able to deal with someone else's?" I might've read way too much into that, but it seems like the first time she considered the possibility that I might adopt. 

So what happened?

A week after I moved onto residence in my senior year of undergrad, I came out to my parents. At this point, I have been playing volleyball with VGVA for just under a year. My mom, seemingly out of the blues, asked if the guys in the league are gay. I was going to lie, as I had to about my sexuality many times before. However, I decided to tell the truth, and said yes, knowing full well what the follow up question would be. My mom's face instantly sours; she asked the original question in joke, and the response got her into a dark place.

"Are you gay?"

"... yes"

She left the room. Minutes later I was summoned to the living room, facing both of my parents. They started with denial, and moved quickly into anger. Dad even briefly blamed himself for not being around enough. He said he wish I spoke up when this just started so he can steer me in the right path, since everyone has "brotherly feelings" growing up. Most of the rest of the story is not unusual; pretty much ever disapproving parent have said the same things. "What about kids?" "It's just a phase" "Why would you choose such a hard path for yourself?"

I want kids, knowing my career path I definitely won't have as many as I would like, in that even one seems financially challenging. Is it just a phase? I've now known about myself for more than half my life. I don't think at that point it can be considered just a phase. Thinking about it, recently, the only other thing I have done at that scale was being a Canadian, and a musician. I've been a Canadian for about half my life, and living in Canada for about 2/3rds of it. I won't stop being a Canadian any time soon. Two years ago was when I have played the clarinet for over half my life. Last year that was no longer true. It is unlikely that I'll pick up the clarinet again, but music will always flow in and out of my life. Music will never be just a phase for me, neither will being gay. Denial? that was a phase. Wishing I wasn't? that was a phase. Loathing and anger? that was a long phase. But now, it's over half of my life, and that number will only continue to increase.

The last point hit a little closer though. Why did I choose such a hard path for myself? Obviously it's not a choice. However, I get that comment a lot; "Why would you choose such a hard path for yourself?" I don't think that's the case. I don't choose to pick the path that's more difficult. I pick whichever path I think was best at my state of mind at the time. I could've said no to my mom with either questions. It would've been an easier way out. I might still be in Vancouver for school if I said no. I'd still talk to my parents more if I said no.

I don't think I physically could have said no though. A few months before that, I had bouts of insomnia. One day I felt a crushing feeling in my chest and I can't sleep. All I wanted to do was tell my mom. I always thought she knew or that she'd understand, and wouldn't care. That probably hit me the hardest. Looking back at it now, she probably knew a little bit - she wouldn't have asked the questions if she didn't know.

Now I will just need to wait. Either for closure and finality, or for acceptance. Either way, it will be years before anything is resolved.